♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡ e n t r y 06 ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡
futility: my body doesn't belong to me. i don't claim it. amorous itch, vacuous pink incases like vessels to blood, possessed by lust for no one. touches sting, devoid of any feeling. i don't claim you, and you don't claim my heart. (from a few years ago)i can never explain this feeling, highly sensitive & highly pained. heightened sadness again. deceptive desire / sin. the moon is mocking me again. a small cut on my finger. i sucked the blood & it was sickly sweet. disgusted at my own body & what flows within it. disgusted by my blood. why can't i just be normal about things? i'd love to surgically remove the part of my brain that cares too much. God please make me better. no one else can (now)."when no one is around, love will always love you."
some fleeting interior revelation from a few days ago, the moon was full that night: 
i am lowly worm.
nothing but a worm.
it's almost empowering & freeing to realize that i am truly nothing. anything bound of me from this world is inherently useless & i want to try my hardest to reject self love. self love is informed by self interest & lacks any form of humility, (a very special treasure of virtue & of a higher-order). i have not fully severed the tie with the sense of self because there's still a tiny inkling of wanting to be understood & validated in the back of my heart / head. i am still disordered and flawed. but little by little, i hope to fully sever this attachment. the average modern person has too much self interest captured & bound by their image and preoccupation with it. none of these things matter. our prison of a body will rot & decay & will decompose into the earth where it belongs. the body is not meant for higher things, it's only temporal, of the earth, like all material reality. the temporal will always end in death (the physical world). the infinite soul will seek higher places (the immaterial, celestial, "other.") i am a worm and i am free. God loves me and that's all i need. He loves his worm (me). He thinks i am worthy of life and love and for that alone, that is all i need, right? i don't need it from anyone else. i am a worm and that's ok.
(\∞(\
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀（α΄Λ¬α΄*)
☆*οΎ*｡ ｡*οΎUU )
*｡ ☆ *U U
οΎ*｡ take care ｡*
οΎ*｡ ｡*οΎ
οΎ*｡｡*οΎ
currently listening to: belong - "different heart"
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