when you are in pain, every trivial & useless thing that troubled your mind disappears. you fixate in the pain, as dull or sharp it may be, there's a pleasurable sweet rush to it. bloated nerves pressing against bone & muscle, enflamed but inflamed. a form of spiritual arousal when you orient it towards God. a tiny sacrifice. but a mortification of my own.
there is a sweetness to suffering, it is through suffering that i can identify with Him. it is the only thing that is worth anything in this world, for anytime i'm reminded of any little pain, whether it's the inflammation of my fingers, the burn of a flame, the bruises that rub against my clothes, or the pangs of sadness when i'm reminded of everything (the current state of the world), all of it reminds me of You (it's dust in comparison). i like to imagine them like little fruits that bear from me. i imagine my body as a tree, with all the veins & nerves like roots. my tears like jewels. it's beautiful to bear it privately, something of my own, something to offer. a rich interior world (i want to continue to build this in my mind, like how St. Teresa of Avila expounds in her work, The Interior Castle).
i often think about the line: "..but Mary kept all these things, & pondered them in her heart." stored away like a locket, keeping them so close, so sweet. then, i think about Your suffering, Your aches, Your exhaustions, all the Blood. how precious is that Blood, i think of them as rubies. i imagine it spilling on the flowers to calvary, drowning the center pistils of lilies, transforming the white & red to a pink.
humiliated & saddened as You were lifted on the cross. how blood gushed from Your Sacred Side, giving away every last drop as Mary Magdalene collected them in her hands & washed You with her tears during Your burial. blood so fragrant. not ferrous or metallic like my own. i will never be worthy of any of it. no one in this hellish world will love me as much as You do.
(\∞(\
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀（α΄Λ¬α΄*)
☆*οΎ*｡ ｡*οΎUU )
*｡ ☆ *U U
οΎ*｡ take care ｡*
οΎ*｡ ｡*οΎ
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currently listening to: red stars theory - "a sailor's warning"
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